Really. I’m not trying to crack any lame jokes or convey sarcasm today; well a couple may appear by the end of this entry.
In all seriousness though, thinking about giving an award, a symbol of positivity, to a disorder that is so negative in its connotation, makes me feel a little awkward; I’ll even go as far to say that it makes me a little concerned. Darn. Sorry, I am being sarcastic.
So let’s cut to the chase and get down to the nitty-gritty of why I want to adorn depression with so many accolades. My logic is fairly simple.
How I learned to cope yesterday, literally has given me the ability to perform positive visualization today. It’s all about visualizing the potential for positivity in something as overwhelmingly air depriving and life changing as depression. It felt crazy to wake up this morning and feel this mind altering sense of accomplishment after combining my knowledge of simply FEELING depression without adding any thought murdering fuel to the fire, with the prophetic writing of Saving Sarles. Who knew stories about coping with the mental stress of renovating a house could renovate my way of thinking. Thank you Donovan family.
When you feel as low as I have while battling this beast, believe it or not, any other storm that blows into your life is nothing more than just a storm. You become numb and unmoved by the cares of life that use to make you rage with so many emotions. Now that only one emotion, sadness, carries you through most of your days, it’s hard to fall any further and the only other direction to go is up; towards happiness. So I went the direction of up today. Not over the moon with joy, but far enough into the constellation of “I can care less”.
I feel like a broken record already after only 4 blog entries, but there really is freedom in honesty; and in a feeling of “I can care less”. Of course I don’t want to be rude, disrespectful, or offend anyone I come in contact with throughout my days with this newfound way of thinking, but there’s nothing wrong with internally relishing in the incredible delight of comfort I feel as a result of this thinking; right? I’m going to assume the majority of you said no, because honestly I have no idea why I asked a question there.
Anyway, when fighting depression daily, it’s hard enough to motivate yourself to do things and a HUGE force of gravity pulls you when you try to be the best mom you can be as you struggle to think about various play time activities; thank you depression. That was sarcasm. But it is even more difficult to commit to participating in activities you have been asked to partake in with others. It’s almost as if my roommate, depression, has an emergency switch that is triggered at the moment I crack a semblance of a smile at the thought of doing something remotely entertaining. But for the most part, I can say that I push through that and it’s not easy (remember to FEEL how you feel, but don’t make yourself feel bad for feeling this way, because this is your “normal”, so LIVE it).
It took everything inside of me not to cancel my activities planned for today, because I just didn’t feel like it, but once again, I jumped over that trap and kept all of my obligations as tired and unmotivated as I was when I woke up. Can I just say that I am so grateful for all of my friends who still want to be around me, knowing that I may not be able to talk as much as I use to, laugh a lot, or even concentrate enough at times to come up with the next segue way in our conversation. Truly, you know who you are and I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Having two kids two and under is tough. The mornings, no matter how much you prepare for in advance, are hectic and it seems as though every time you make a plan, God literally laughs at it. Sage was clingy again today (that makes me feel good though that my low mood at times hasn’t turned her away from me), what a special time we had, Sydney was being a curious little two-year old and getting into things she shouldn’t, and of course it took me what seemed like three hours to get dressed into gym shorts and my Vanderbilt t-shirt. Of course we were late, Sydney and I, to our movie engagement to see The Secret Life of Pets with our friends, but …”I could care less” (no offense). I was apologetically tardy, but not on purpose; so why create an internal volcano on the verge of eruption and fill with angst about already being late (no offense, once again).
If no one else in this world is impressed with this progress but me, that is OK. I’ve been to what has seemed like mental hell before, for months, and to only be a few days out of that pit and feel the way I feel, I’ll take it. Positive visualization helped me to relish in the one on one time I was given the opportunity to have with my first-born. It felt like old times again and besides it’s only previews right?! There I go asking questions again and perhaps sounding offensive, but once again I’m sorry and still very impressed that my heart didn’t beat 200 times a minute or my palms didn’t sweat from being late.
Today was the first time, in a long time, that I actually ENJOYED sitting and watching a movie; a 3D movie at that (haven’t always been a huge fan of trucks sitting on my chest or mounds of water racing toward my face; just saying). My 28 month old daughter sat down, ate her little zap pack so quietly for 60 out of the 90 minutes of sitting, and I wasn’t bored, lacking complete interest in moving pictures on a screen. The hills are alive with the sound of music, because I would cry incessantly at one point in time at the misery of not being interested in things I use to love to indulge in. That movie was the BEST movie I have seen in a while, my child didn’t annoy the rest of the audience with loud outbursts, and I laughed A LOT. Kevin Hart did a bravo job making me laugh, as usual, portraying a bunny just as much as being himself.
So if you are not convinced as much as I am by now about why the award should go to depression, what coping I have learned because of enduring it, and how it is changing my perspective on life for the better, let me break it down a little further. We walked out of the movie theater still smiling from how funny the movie was and although I felt a little of that familiar haze of tiredness and lack of motivation, I simply let depression have its way and I invited the idea of doing one more activity before heading home. Ultra progress.
Hibachi was our choice of cuisine.
After eating and wrapping up our time with friends, with only small mishaps of falling toddlers at the force of a loving hug (neither child experienced any debilitating injuries of any kind, by the way) and the scare of the hot fire display at the restaurant, I think I can confidently say that everyone had a great time today, including me. Summa progress.
Depression… You are the real MVP.
Check out Mother Pukka if you are having a pretty low day, feel safe from harming yourself or others, and still want to try to be an active mommy or daddy, but your are not having the best of days, as well as complete lack of energy; she’ll also make you laugh:)
You WILL get through this. Enjoy.