It’s about three in the morning and this is the third time I’ve woken up in the last five hours. A frustrating feeling of exhaustion from these awakenings, due to my attempt at failed trails to slumber without the help of the “as needed” prescription, that I’ve needed nightly. I got a little to over ambitious after falling into a deep sleep filled with rapid eye movements and dreams of sweet nothings, for a blissful 7 hours straight one time, but I think it’s time to accept the fact that the need for the “as needed” is my new normal; and that’s OK. There’s no use in fighting against something like good sleep. Depression will only feed the more in to it.
Lying here, with the eerines of quietness all around me, I can’t help but focus on the serenity of the words that came to me like a dove from heaven the other night, in my anguish;
I exist, because the world needs me.
My heart beats, because it is strong.
I have vision, because there is something for me to see.
I have ears, because there is something for me to hear.
There is movement in my limbs, because there is somewhere for me to go.
I have a voice, because someone wants to listen.
These words calmed me, helped me focus, when I was pained to tears from a descent into utter turmoil in my mind; this was my mindfulness. To recite these words aloud as my mind was once again ravished with negative thoughts and a lack of will, brought me back down from a state of infinite panic, to appreciation for the parts of my body that weren’t tormented. To feel myself breathe in that moment, was like going whale watching and seeing the amazing beauty of those beautiful creatures breech the water for air. The vibration of my heart beat, felt like the ground shaking at the run of a mighty lion, advancing toward his prey. To hear my voice and all of the inflections in its tone, felt like the grumbling of a thunderstorm during peaceful rainfall.
Focusing in on the sheer awesomeness of my body’s physiology, was what made me find my will in a moment where I had none, and honestly, didn’t want any. To think about the time it took for the creator to create such an intricate vessel, like me, astonished me, as if I didn’t know how I got here on this earth. Sorrow turned into nothing but gratitude and tears of joy; a rather spiritual experience, letting me know that I’m not alone and that he cares. I’ll never forget that otherworldly sense of comfort. Those words are a testament to those of value that think they are invaluable, and a gift to those who think that a troubled mind defines who they are or where they can go in life.
But to just focus on these words, is like a lamp onto my feet, and a light unto my path, when I’m engulfed in darkness, and my outlook on life is chained.