The mind is so funny.
Less then 30 minutes ago, I was nervously breaking down barriers of my social anxiety, and sheer fear of recording my thoughts, LIVE, through the new Instagram stories, unmotivated, as well as consumed with a heavy lowness I’ve been fighting off all day, but now I have gained a little energy from braving through my angst, which has brought me to this moment; I’m writing. I got home from work today and had no desire to do anything. Yes, my husband and I planned a date night for tonight, weeks ago, but there’s just something about 100 degree weather, a long day of mentally fatiguing meetings at work, and an already struggling brain, that makes you want to laugh at those plans, and call it a night. Of course I’m not going to let that happen; although, my husband has already tempted me with the forbidden fruit of giving into the lack of motivation, and staying in for the night, but that’s not happening.
We already get very few opportunities to where someone is willing to watch the girls, giving us a chance at attempting to stay awake through a movie at the theater (derrick always falls asleep), or have a dinner alone, where we don’t have to worry about who’s turn it is to let which kid eat off of our plate; so whether our eye lids watch the latest movie release or not, we are going out. Since this was my first week back to work, trying to jump in head first, into a routine that I hadn’t even planned out, yet alone thought critically about, I can confess that I wasn’t as organized as I would have like to be, but I am ok with relishing in the fact that I got through this week. From reviewing nursing skill drills with my fellow faculty members, sitting in many hour long faculty meetings, all requiring intense thought and concentration, I have no problem voicing without shame, how hard it was for me to remain present in the moment, every day this week. The thought blocking that occurs because of depression is so unfair; especially for someone in my position where your job really requires you to be mentally astute (heck, what job doesn’t require you to use your brain; I’m sorry, even imagining myself working at burger king, gives me anxiety about how I would be able to think through that job).
Needless to say, I survived the week. I wanted to just go to work and come home daily, doing the bare minimum of tasks that were humanly possible; I had to be honest with myself and accept that that was all I could handle. The thought of canceling going to meet with the creative souls tribe even crossed my mind, but I went anyway. Sometimes, you just have to do things anyway and anyhow; that’s what I’m discovering about my newfound daily depression routine.
You may feel unmotivated, but DO what you planned.
You may feel like you are going to cry every second, but stop what you’re doing, find personal space to let those tears flow, dry your eyes, and keep it moving.
This is what your routine HAS to be, if you want to try and maintain some sanity in the midst of this chaos. Does this always work? Definitely not, but you do what you can do, fail or be successful, and then try again the next day. That’s how you have to approach life living with this beast; that’s how I am fighting depression.
Not only is it important to accept and to be ok with this new routine, but it’s also vital to regularly reward yourself for staying the course, even if you don’t think (or depression tells you) you were very successful; trust me, I’ve learned that even breathing on some days, is better than nothing, and you should be commended for all the hard work, strength, and effort it took to do just that.
So I rewarded myself this week. I fought the urge to dissect and analyze the things I had yet to accomplish on my to do list, and just rested, as well as found peace in knowing that I gave every day this week a good fight, and that is more than enough.