Why can’t I just be depressed?
After nearly three years of torment is that too much to ask? To just deal with the torment.
So funny how things play out and come full circle. At many points in this journey you could find me curled up on my closet floor, crying for the depression to leave. It didn’t matter what was going on in my life during those moments, that didn’t fuel the fire of agony. It was just the agony that was unbearable. Now I’m internally wondering why I can’t just be in agony.
I know that might sound bizarre, but if you knew how much life has been such an additional weight on an already heavily burdened mind, you might ask for that same agony; it seems so peaceful as I think back to that time of strife, but that was all that existed then. Strife.
I didn’t have a full time job to worry about, I wasn’t crazy ambitious and in the throws of a PhD program, and along with all of that, trying to be a great mom, wife, and family member; I was just depressed back then. For some odd reason, I told myself that it was ok to heal my mind as I worked hard to pursue my dreams.
Was that a good choice you ask? Probably not, but I had to make a survivor’s choice; wait for this episode of depression to heal or not heal for God knows how long, or heal, trust God’s plan for leading me into Potiphar’s house, and power through like I always have done.
Lets be completely honest though about it; I’m tired. Maybe I’m stronger in my journey than I was before, only able to handle the agony alone, but now having to deal with the agony (with little improvement) on top of being in a great position in life, with great opportunities at my job and with school, is making me lose my focus, and feel wavering stress.
I’ve wanted to quit so much, challenging dark thoughts, telling myself that I can’t do it when I don’t have the motivation or energy, heck, any sense of feeling to care about anything, and dreaming about how relieved I would be if I was ‘just depressed’; but that dream always ended in turmoil, me falling into a deeper abyss, sad that I had given up on dreams I’ve had, simply because I was depressed. As great as that would have been, to literally throw in the towel on all the busyness of life, I knew that wasn’t the way to get to my healing.
Staying focused, when your mind wants to do anything else but, has been a huge struggle for me. It’s been hard to walk this path, with so much unknown, but I’m DOING it.
Its tough, but I’m doing it; we are doing it; you are doing it.
God says that he won’t put more on you than you can bear.
That is so true, especially when you focus; not on the road ahead, or the turmoil all around you, but keeping all eyes on him, the one who is the author and finisher of our faith.
All you have to do is focus.