Barefoot ‘Can’tessa

I cooked.

Two days ago.  No applause deserved?  I beg to differ.

Its been nearly three weeks since I was released from the pearly gates of heaven, aka the psychiatric hospital (heaven may be an overstatement, but it was a safe place to be broken, and I needed a judge free existence that my world lacked).  I was put back on a prescription medication all too familiar, a medication that made me gain the freshmen 15 and I haven’t been a freshman for years; so that lack of appetite depression bit me with for months now, has turned into an appetite of a pro athlete.  Needless to say, I’ve gained a little weight, which is depressing in and within itself, but this is the only medicine that helps me to function at the basic level; you know, bathing, eating, and breathing…basic.

So, this ‘puggy’ pill has made me eat a little more and feel a little better, to the point that I felt like cooking something and being creative with it, which is not like me (a gift of depression, when anxiety doesn’t plague me, is the ability to just not care and try something new, even if it doesn’t work).

I had just enough motivation to take my girls to Whole Foods- the Disneyland of all things organic.  Getting the kids into the store was a challenge, a little overwhelming- mainly because the energy I did get from the ‘puggy’ pill, was nearly exhausted with all of the redirecting and freak out moments that probably happen with moms of two toddlers who aren’t depressed.  Therefore, you can imagine why I felt like calling it quits the moment I finally buckled in each child into the buggy, but I pressed forward.

I ended up having a great time with them, just being in the moment and allowing  Sydney, my two year old, to rummage around, practicing naming her fruits and veggies, as I tried to scrounge up a little more energy to engage in her verbal and mental acrobatics; what a tough thing it is to honestly, fake like you feel happy in hopes that your kids aren’t affected by your uncontrollable mood-thanks genetics.

We ended up coming out strong; my mind didn’t go to a terrible wasteland due to all the stimuli and intense sense of responsibilities put on me during that time, like it usually does, and I found butternut spirals that were ‘spaghetti’ ready.  To go with it, I decided to go with a local choice of pomodoro sauce infused with lavender (known to be calming and relaxing, good for the mind), thinking that such a sauce would pair well with such a sweet veggie as butternut squash.  Of course we needed a little fat to go with such a healthy meal for the mind and body, so I went with boneless chicken thighs- gives you a moister texture (yum!).

Now let’s get back to the beginning of this post.

I cooked.

Two days ago, yes, but we won’t let depression hold on to the negative thoughts I’m currently rejecting (the fact that I wanted to blog about this after I cooked, but felt too down and unmotivated to do it the last two days).

I’m proud of myself and so many other people that I know know how much of a feat and win it is to do something that may seem so simple, like cooking.

I may not be barefoot contessa, but what little light of hope I get through this journey, like whipping up a unique spaghetti squash meal for my family, shows me more and more that I CAN keep going, because I am going strong, fighting to get to say that I cooked TODAY.

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