I bought some burgundy kitten heels from Zara yesterday.  It was Black Friday and I wanted to reap the benefits of a once a year big deal discount (they were 27 dollars; don’t know how much of a big deal that really was, but oh well).

I rarely have much gumption to dress like the model advertising those red toned shoes, all dolled up and ready to take the world by storm, whether it be the supermarket or a business meeting; probably neither, but what a great outfit she had on with those burgundy heels.  You know, red represents courage, determination, strength, love, and all the words that exude power in its context.  Everything I don’t feel right now; I hate to be negative.

I had such high hopes of writing this post yesterday, eloquently describing the meaning behind my great Black Friday semi big deal find (the shoes), and highlighting the meaning behind the color red and how you should dress the way you want to feel, but motivation and happiness didn’t find me yesterday.  I wish I could make this post more upbeat and positive, but I made a vow to be honest through this blog, because beautiful pictures, tales of amazing travel destinations, and model like images of amazing garments isn’t what this blog is all about.

I wasn’t that determined this holiday.  As the color red is the theme of this post, I can say that love was present for my family and the time we were privileged to have together at a beautiful three bedroom airbnb home, but that’s about all I could give this thanksgiving holiday.  I’ve always been talkative when it comes to being around my family, more so than usual, because I see them mainly on the holidays, but this time I didn’t have much conversation in me.  It hurt to make conversation sometimes. I just felt like breathing and doing nothing.  It feels like I’m back to square one.

I know this just might be a bad moment and depression likes to take a small dent in the road and make it a sink hole, but I just feel like I wish I could have stayed at home by myself; I feel awful to admit this.  The sad part about saying this, is that I don’t feel bad about it.  I don’t feel bad about thinking about the food I would miss out on eating, the planned activities I wouldn’t attend, or the once in a lifetime memories I would not be intertwined in, if I missed this holiday.

I think I’m more upset that I participated in EVERYTHING and didn’t enjoy it; I was just ‘here’.  My therapist would say ‘good job for pushing yourself to do things when depression says don’t do anything’, but it’s hard for me to accept that notion right now.  Would I have been less determined, less courageous, less loving, if I didn’t do some or all of this holiday’s activities? I don’t think so, but I don’t know.  I’m just venting right now.

All I know is that I feel bad, glad that I bought those red shoes, but just not feeling the way the color tone of the shoe may represent.

I guess I’ll patiently wait for the new shoes to arrive, and a new day for a new mood.

I guess this is determination at its finest.


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