Don’t. That is, if you can help it. But, essentially life may not be that kind and you may have to. This is the predicament that I am in with my husband and our two toddlers (winning!).
After seven years of memory making (the good the bad and the ugly), marriage, birth of our beautiful baby girls, a traumatic house fire (more so for me than the house), and one diagnosis of major depression later, it’s time for us to move on. Do I want to go? If you would have asked me this the other day when the realtor came to help us sign our lives away on endless forms, I would have said no, but today I feel a little different about it.
Who likes change? Some may more than others, but I think it is fair to say that change is hard at first, and this is the case for anyone with the healthiest mental state, yet alone someone like me or us (if you are in a similar situation) who have to endure the blows of change with a mental illness. No pitty party over here, but something as simple as sitting on the side of the bed, in depression’s severity, can feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and a headache ensues from such a traumatic experience; this is what ‘change’ can do in a depressive episode. Just imagine the second by second, day by day battle an individual with this newfound sense of doom and gloom, has to power through; it sucks to say the least.
So, I have gone through this state of open heart surgery- without anesthesia- state of emotions, since my husband and I started the process of putting our house on the market. Yes, I knew it was coming and it has been something we discussed for some time, but it had become really real and really scary.
I’m in the kind of depressive episode where sitting on the side of the bed is a daunting task. There was an intense anger and extreme dip in my mood, after the realtor left. There was the ugly cry, of course, where I was sprawled out on my beautiful hard wood kitchen floors, in an intense panic at the thought of the house selling fast ( the house across the street sold in 8 days; Nashville is booming apparently in the house selling department), and all the stress that would come with moving; my husband was happy with the return in investment we are predicted to attain, but disgruntled with the need to console me and maintain his happiness (family suffers a lot when loved ones have a mental illness; it’s understandable that they get angry when they are helpless in helping you).
So, what did I do to get to the state where I am now, a state of eery acceptance about such a big change?
I cleaned. Then I felt down thinking about it all, then I cleaned again.
Its funny how depression and that strange chemical imbalance works. It makes you unmotivated, but for some odd reason, lately, the moment I push myself to pick up a broom or grab that bottle of windex, the fog of lowness slowly starts to lift as I am distracted by serene views from my washed windows, or the clean lines from a freshly vacuumed floor. In these moments, I feel in control; depression and the pain in your head, is so far from controllable.
My husband started a massive clean in prep for pictures of our memories we’ve built in this house, to grace the sites of zillow or realtor, and I followed suit, doing what my mind would allow me to do ( I find that I have to listen to my mind when it says you’re doing too much, or my mood takes a dive off of the deep end,which doesn’t end well).
From unique pieces of jewelry I forgot that I had had from my youth and travels in Europe, to tons of flooring in my closet, previously buried in mounds of things, due to the consequences of being unmotivated, I’ve developed more of an appreciation for this change that we are in.
We will move on to another house, a home near and dear to my husband’s heart, his late grandmother’s home in the heart of east Nashville (a now robust and bustling part of town), and we will make new memories.
And if you’re in a similar position such as I, or trying to endure change in a depressive state of mind, find your control in something healthy and helpful to you.
You are strong, and this change won’t defeat you.