Have you ever felt like you’ve had enough; you reached the ‘ extent of what was required of you’ ?
Well if the answer is a yes, then I pose a new question; what is required of you?
I asked myself this today as I thumbed tediously through the over 80 emails awaiting my stamp of approval in my work inbox, after I had gone to Publix to pick out the most juiciest of steak for dinner, and then when I brought those filet mignons home to sear on the stove, as well as prepare a plethora of vegetable choices for my picky toddlers…I had enough.
At that moment, as the asparagus began to cool down on the stove, and as the seared steaks finished being well done in the five hundred degree oven, I asked myself, can I do more?
So I did a load of laundry,but was that enough?
Had I done all that was required of me?
Thats kind of a loaded question, but of course, as I’ve learned over these years living with depression, sometimes you have to be selfish.
Putting shame and guilt aside(for not accomplishing more than what I had done for the day), I said I had had enough.
Could I have gone on a walk, picked up the toys scattered across the tiny house we live in, and even folded that laundry load I had started; yes, but why?
Why would I do more and send my already serotonin deprived brain to an all to familiar pit of decaying dreams- I don’t know how else to describe it, but it’s not pretty.
So, what do you do when you’ve had enough ?
Yep, that’s right, defy everything, be selfish and take care of you, by basking in the state of nothingness.
And that’s what I did. Absolutely nothing.
Since my mind likes to wonder into guiltville for feeling like I hadn’t accomplished much when I get in these states, I took time to do an inventory of my day (fact based evidence), and I recognized that I’m pretty bad ass.
I made money for my family today, fed them, and made the extra effort to breathe, so I’d say I accomplished a lot, AND I even showered, which for those in the depressed camp, you know how hard that can be.
So, yes, it’s ok to say enough and to be selfish when you need to; even if all you can do is go to the grocery store to walk the aisles instead of actually buying the food to prepare a meal-it’s OK, you are a bad ass too.