As I lay…

Paralyzed.

Thats how I felt last night; completely lifeless with absolutely no energy to care for my family or myself.

Its been a while since I’ve felt this way, this debilitated by an illness that feels as though no cure exists ( well, at least that’s how I feel when I get in these states).

I could barely hold on long enough to fix my children dinner, I just needed to get away, escape physically, because mentally, there’s no escaping the agony and severe lack of motivation that plagues me sporadically from day to day.

This mood or nightmare came upon me out of nowhere.  Usually there are triggers that seem to send me downhill or at least give reason for my mood to decrease to a serious state such as this; but there was no trigger.

As I lay on the bed after deciding that my body could take no more, I summoned my husband to take over parenting duties.

I just couldn’t handle ‘life’ anymore.

As my therapist would have me categorize my mental state into a numbered system, with 0 or 1 being an emergent need to tend to my mood (suicidality), while a 9 or 10 being a state where I could conquer the world, I unfortunately was at about a 1.5; heck I was a 0 ( its still hard for me to admit being in such a helpless state).

I know this post is a downer, but I have to share my truth so that those who are suffering know that they are not alone; I felt so alone last night, that’s how depression makes you feel, and it causes you to isolate yourself.

But I had to isolate myself last night for my safety and the well being of my family; I was of no good for anyone.

Eight o’clock at night turned into 1 am; I had finally drifted off to sleep, work clothes still intact, enough to get some relief; slumber is what I inherently needed to get through that episode, but it always feels like that horrible feeling will last forever with no end in sight.

I share this with you, because as you can see, I’m able to write right now, only through the grace of God, and because those intense feelings DO pass; though it seems like infinity, you get through it eventually.

I thank God that I didn’t give into or succumb to those feelings last night.

The most important and life changing thing you can do when this happens is to tell someone you just can’t do life anymore; there’s freedom in honesty.

If you or someone you love cries out for help in this way, or shows signs of irritability or unusual frustration with doing normal day to day things in life, throw out a life line, you never know how much you can do to save someone’s life.

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