Processed with VSCO with 3 preset24 For sighing has become my daily food; my groans pour out like water.
25 What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.
26 I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” Job 24-26
If there were ever a time I needed it, it would be now.
In times past, I thought I had reached the point in life where I needed God’s mercy; but no, now more than ever, I need his mercy.
whether Christian, Jew, Muslim, or atheist, many can relate to the above scripture from the Bible.  A good man with many blessings, a man named Job, suddenly striped of those blessings leaving him in a position of solitude and despair, longing for death, but death did not find him.  I’ve read this book in the Bible many times, but never did it resonate within me until now.

“There the wicked cease from turmoil, and there the weary are at rest. 18 Captives also enjoy their ease; they no longer hear the slave driver’s shout. 19 The small and the great are there, and the slaves are freed from their owners.” Job 3

…As I read the text over and over again, I can’t help but feel a little comfort in knowing that even thousands of years ago, someone as special as Job unfortunately suffered the same sentiment.
He looked for death but death did not find him.
Have you ever been in that place, in a state of mind so dark to the world, but pure light and relief to your troubled soul.
I have, I am in that state.
i wish I could say this was the first time I’ve been there, but it’s not, sadly, it’s not.
I wish I didn’t yearn for that closure, I wish the meds worked, I wish the therapy was enough, I wish the blessings/my children’s love quieted the desire for dark peace, but it doesn’t.
If it’s not fighting day to day to reject a peace that would so selfishly cure my pain, then it’s the attempt to ward off the sick desire to feel anything other than the agonizing pain…I never understood why individuals cut until I was head deep in the waves of depression.
What a life?
And it’s life itself that is too much for me to handle.
You’ve heard of God not putting more on you than you can bear; well each day is too much to bear, where is the mercy?
Mercy-compassion…where is it God?
In low times like this I not only think of my pain and torture that I’m trying to endure, but I often think of the others who suffer in this way; I cry often for them and for me.
It somehow doesn’t seem fair to suffer this way.
But then, my faith creeps up in me and reminds me of Christ’s despicable death; what agony he endured compared to mine.
He did that, hung on the cross for me, for you, for us, because we were yet sinners, still are sinners, but it was his mercy, compassion that saved us before we knew we need to be saved.
Do I desire relief now or relief eternally?
Today I want relief now, but I also want relief eternally, so I wade in a state of mind where I’m fighting yet another battle mentally.
What do you want from me God?
Why are are you punishing me?
I seek you and find no comfort, I praise you and get no relief.
But then I’m always left with this thought when the idea of light of dark peace grows stronger than my human abilities can withstand….
There must be a reason why I still want you alive, why you continue to breathe and I keep this world from torturing you, why your enemies don’t rise up to smite you, why you have movement in every limb on your body and I have not taken that from you; there is a reason.
So I am left in this state.  A state of both gratitude and agony, but more so gratitude more than anything.
Though I am in SO much pain and I may not get relief now or in this life, death does not find me because my pain, though great and unbearable at times, is only that…pain.
I can walk, thank you God.
I can talk, thank you God.
I can see, thank you God.
I am in my right mind, in pain mentally, but I’m in my right mind, thank you God.
I have children who love me no matter how much I hurt or feel like I have missed the mark, thank you God.
…I could go on and on and in my misery, I am grateful.
Grateful for the notion that one day I will feel no more pain, that I will rest easy, but not in my time…it’s in HIS time I will be in peace.
So I wait…in gratitude.

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