Enough

Have you ever felt like you’ve had enough; you reached the ‘ extent of what was required of you’ ?

Well if the answer is a yes, then I pose a new question; what is required of you?

I asked myself this today as I thumbed tediously through the over 80 emails awaiting my stamp of approval in my work inbox, after I had gone to Publix to pick out the most juiciest of steak for dinner, and then when I brought those filet mignons home to sear on the stove, as well as prepare a plethora of vegetable choices for my picky toddlers…I had enough.

At that moment, as the asparagus began to cool down on the stove, and as the seared steaks finished being well done in the five hundred degree oven, I asked myself, can I do more?

Sure.

So I did a load of laundry,but was that enough?

Why yes.

Had I done all that was required of me?

Thats kind of a loaded question, but of course, as I’ve learned over these years living with depression, sometimes you have to be selfish.

Putting shame and guilt aside(for not accomplishing more than what I had done for the day), I said I had had enough.

Could I have gone on a walk, picked up the toys scattered across the tiny house we live in, and even folded that laundry load I had started; yes, but why?

Why would I do more and send my already serotonin deprived brain to an all to familiar pit of decaying dreams- I don’t know how else to describe it, but it’s not pretty.

So, what do you do when you’ve had enough ?

Do nothing.

Yep, that’s right, defy everything, be selfish and take care of you, by basking in the state of nothingness.

And that’s what I did.  Absolutely nothing.

Since my mind likes to wonder into guiltville for feeling like I hadn’t accomplished much when I get in these states, I took time to do an inventory of my day (fact based evidence), and I recognized that I’m pretty bad ass.

I made money for my family today, fed them, and made the extra effort to breathe, so I’d say I accomplished a lot, AND I even showered, which for those in the depressed camp, you know how hard that can be.

So, yes, it’s ok to say enough and to be selfish when you need to; even if all you can do is go to the grocery store to walk the aisles instead of actually buying the food to prepare a meal-it’s OK, you are a bad ass too.

Out of the mouths of babes…

There’s a scripture that I love to read from the Bible.  It says,

From the lips of babes and infants you have established strength, because of your adversaries, that you might silence the enemy and the avenger – Psalm 8:2

I have always assumed that God, the almighty one, could use anybody for his glory, but never have I had personal experience with such an experience as this scripture talks of.

Valentine’s day is now my first born’s day, Sydney.

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Born at 9 at night and three weeks early, she is literally the little angel I’ve always hoped for.

Having her is the best thing besides Jesus, and my husband, that has ever happened to me.

I’m always talking or speaking of God and Jesus around my girls, because he’s all I’ve ever known and encountered in my lifetime, thanks to my parents upbringing.

We were in the car the other day, and of course my depression was running rampant, making me think thoughts so dark and causing me great internal distress.  I always strive to hide this anguish from my kids.  It was great that this was occurring while I was driving, because I had extra security of knowing that my kids could not feel or see the panic that was taking place in front of them, while they were in the back of the car; or at least I thought.

Sydney likes to listen to contemporary Christian music.  Anytime I try to listen to something else, she says “no mommy, what happened to Jesus music”, so I always turn it back to the station.

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While I was yet suffering from the symptoms of depression that ironically came shortly after giving birth to Sydney three years ago, all of I sudden I hear my child say “sing the song mommy, sing the song!”

On the verge of crying, due to feeling overwhelmed with sadness, one of my favorite songs started to play “I will praise you in this storm”; this was the song she made sure that I would sing, never before asking me to sing a song, so I sung to please her, but God knew I needed to remind myself of the words to that song to praise him in my despair.  So, he used her in that moment to get me back on track, to help pull me out of drowning, and he used her to help save me from spiraling out of control and losing focus.

Out of the mouths of babes indeed.

My angel, my first born, my Sydney, Happy Birthday.

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